Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Gender Confusion?
It was a typical Sunday afternoon and I was scouting around on the net for information about lesbians when I came across this definition: ‘the sexual and romantic desire between females’. Certainly it is the attraction of females towards other females, but it got me thinking about the type of females lesbians really are. If I was to ask your average straight talker to describe to me a lesbian, they would probably say something like ‘large, short spiky hair, deep voice’ etc etc. Now of course this is nothing but a typical stereotype, but these generalisations must have come from somewhere, and they do tend to come in quite handy when trying to prove a point, as I will go on to make. We are all guilty of assuming someone is a lesbian if they fit these particular criteria, but what is the real meaning behind this look? And why is it that lesbians are attracted to girls that are all in all actually quite masculine? Aren’t we called lesbians for a reason? Looking at the lesbian couples that I have experienced, I couldn’t point out that many that are all that girly, which of course holds no problem for me, but it causes me to wonder why this is so. Surely if we are lesbians it is assumed that we like girls, the ‘lipstick lesbians’ so to speak. Referring back to the good ol’ net, they have an answer for those too: ‘lesbian and bisexual women who exhibit feminine gender attributes, such as wearing make-up, wearing dresses or skirts and perhaps having other characteristics associated with feminine women.’ Is it me or does this strike you as somewhat odd? Does this mean lesbians are supposed to be masculine? That these ‘lipstick lesbians’ are actually a rare variety of women who exist only in small parts of the world? I hold my hands up willingly to admit I must be a part of this small group of girls, and I continue to hold my hands up to say that I rather favour the girly girls, why else would I be struggling to decide upon Megan Fox or Olivia Wilde for my phone background? This same theory isn’t just relevant to women either; it can be applied to gay men too. Stereotypically gay men are more feminine than straight men; walking around wearing designer labels, taking immense pride in their appearance, and speaking with that added camp flare to their voice. And this is what other gay men seemingly find attractive. My question is why? Why do gay men and lesbian women often favour the persona of the gender they tell everyone they don’t favour? Why do they come out of the closet only to appear very much deep inside of it when reflecting on the people they take interest in? It seems apparent to me that although there are certainly couples who defy this theory of mine (here I was planning to write the names of a couple who do exactly this but I struggled greatly) it seems that we have based ourselves around these stereotypes that, whether or not we choose to like it, do exist. People don’t like to be labelled as a stereotype, but I’m afraid that often it is the case; we have been brought up around these somewhat accurate assumptions regarding the gay and lesbian community, so I wonder whether it is society that has moulded our interests to be this way? Could I go as far as to say that we are perhaps just straight people who got caught up and confused in an alternative lifestyle? I don’t like admitting these things, but sometimes you have to look at the facts. One question I have been asked a few times before that I have come to greatly dislike is this: “So which one of you two is the man?” From where I’m standing I didn’t realise there had to be one, hence the word lesbian, which I can only safely assume means two girls. Is society so narrow minded that people have come to believe that even in same sex relationships there must be one of you who is steering towards the opposite end of the spectrum? Speaking of lesbian women and gay men, I feel that I am leaving out something important which floats around the middle; the bisexuals. Of course there is a lot of stigma attached to this word; generally they can be seen to be confused, or even greedy. Speaking of bisexual women and my personal experience and past encounters, I often find that they end up with a man. And who’s to say they can’t enjoy a bit of both now and then? Who’s to say they are sitting on the fence, aren’t they simply hopping between both sides? I understand that we’re not all Tila Tequila’s of this world who will probably end up with a man. Yes, we girlie girls are all after a ‘Shot at Love’, but not all of us will look both ways for it. So, maybe the majority of us gays do have some underlying natural attraction towards men, whether we show it through our rather masculine looking partners, or by popping next door for a bit of the opposing gender from time to time. Either way, for now I’m happy to let you girls be whoever you want to be with, I’ll just stick to staring at Megan Fox on my phone. Sorry Olivia, if it’s any consolation you were a very close second.
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I liked your post, it was very thought provoking. Two things: firstly, I believe the stereotype of a masculine lesbian was largely born in the 70s with feminism and the women's movement; a bold and brash statement perhaps to stand out and be heard. I presume it just kind of stuck from then on in. And on girly girl lesbians (I am one) and bisexuals, I think many women in our (my?) position find themselves explaining that we primarily look for women to have sex with/date, but if a man came along and things clicked, then we're not so lesbian that we'd say no. I'd love to discuss this in more detail because I'm actually in the planning stages of a book on this very subject.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, scouting the net for INFORMATION *ahem* on Lesbians, sure I do that all the time. But now onto a serious response/consideration.
ReplyDeleteYou discuss stereotypes at the start, but you also briefly discussed what they are and that is a great oversimplification. Stereotypes are often overplayed negative qualities attributed towards a class/race/group etc within society that has often suffered an prejudice that may or may not be ongoing and often these views are repeatedly perpetuated. But when it comes to homosexuals can you really pick them out of a crowd of people? I don't think so. Plenty of straight men or "meterosexuals" as I believe they are called take great pride in their appearance but are not gay.
Further to this I think that this article displays some oversimplifications itself. You touch upon attraction to typically masculine traits but I think this will likely not be as simple as this. People have tastes in otherpeople that are usually uniqiue to themselves. Sure we can agree that some people are attractive and others are not but at the nitty gritty I believe that everyone has a uniqiue taste. I would aruge that being a Lesbian doesn't mean an opposal of everything masculine but rather a desire for females. It therefore stands to belief that a Lesbian may have similar tastes to a Straight person but just difference on gender attraction.
Another thing that I find interesting is that you mention that people ask "Which one is the Man?" whilst the question isn't exactly politically correct the point may be. Traditionally and more so in the past couples were Male and Female with the Male expected to provide the role of leader of the household that in being the one who leads the relationship. Now whilst this thankfully isn't the case now it may be often the case that in relationships one person will be more dominant than the other. That isn't a criticism though I'm not implying one person may bully or manipulate the other just that relationships may often have one person who plays a more "senior" role (I can't think of a way to describe it right now).
I guess the biggest question with Bisexuals for me is that how do you define bisexuality. Is it someone who has had relations with both sexes? Or is it Someone who has an attraction towards both relations but may only act on one? To be honest I'd lean towards the second description but one thing i wonder is that is bisexuality more of a spectrum? Could you be more attracted to females but still find males attractive. I'd also wonder that because they may tend to end up with the expected Gender could this be because of pressures within soceity.
Anyway I think that is all that came up in my head whilst reading it. What do you think?
Eurgh my English is bad at some points there, namely unique and society.
ReplyDeleteI think that this isn't supposed to be based on fact Craig lol it's just a humourous, light hearted article that is supposed to be thought provoking, as you have shown with the thoughts you have come up with. Of course I do not wholly agree with everything I discuss, and I do explain that I rely heavily upon stereotypes throughout the course of the article to make my point more valid, not necessarily to prove it, just to point it out to people that this could be a possible and interesting way of looking at things.
ReplyDeleteOf course I am over simplifying the article to make people think about what I am saying, obviously I don't believe that stereotypes are all true, but then again they must have come from somewhere, and a lot of stereotypes do hold certain truths about them, but that doesn't mean I think that everyone follows them; otherwise I would be a butch dyke with short hair :P
I agree that generally in relationships one person is the more dominant one, be that the male or the female, and are seen to 'wear the trousers' in the relationship, I just feel that it is an interesting question that I have found myself been asked before, and I think it is an insensitive and narrow minded question and way of looking at things, as these people asking this question have clearly got a stereotype in mind, otherwise why would they not say 'so who's the woman in the relationship then?'
I also agree with you that yes maybe the definition of bisexuality leans towards the latter; they don't necessarily have to have slept with both males and females, if I slept with a male would that make me a bisexual? Not necessarily. So yeah I agree with you there; a lot of people do find themselves attracted to people of the same sex at some point in their lives, again though it doesn't necessarily mean they have to label themselves as bisexuals. I'm not sure if it's to do with pressures in society; surely if it was then they wouldn't have the confidence to come out as bisexual in the first place? Maybe people see it as 'easier' to end up with a person of the opposite sex, especially when thinking about families and views of other people??
I like your comments but just remember that this is not fact, I'm not believing what I write at all, it's just a funny way of looking at it, and I completely expected comments like this as I have thought about it all too.
:D
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ReplyDeleteAnd in reply to 'tartantanktop', I agree with you slightly, but then are you saying that lesbians are only lesbians until a guy comes along that they click with?? Are you saying that it's easier for them to be with a male so when one comes along that suits them they are immediately straight?? Also, does that same rule apply to straight people? As in, could straight people be straight until someone of the same sex comes along that they click with, then they are gay/lesbian or even bisexual?
ReplyDeleteYeah I could go much further in this topic, I find it very interesting and thought provoking as you said. I wrote this article with the knowledge that not all I say is the truth, it is a light hearted and humorous piece that could hold some truth to it, and could make people think about how this is an interesting way to look at things. I myself believe that there is some truth in it, but then I realise that I rely heavily upon stereotypes that are not always true, if they were then 'lipstick lesbians' such as myself just wouldn't exist.
Not quite lesbians waiting for a man to come along (although I can't be the only woman who's thought life with a man would be 'easier'/more conventional, etc) but more lesbians who are not against the possibility of a relationship with a man. Perhaps it's a rather jejeune remark to make, but I think it would be terribly foolish of a woman who identifies as lesbian to refuse a relationship with a man WHOM SHE LOVED, on the sole premise that she is lesbian, and that she should only date/have sex with women. Is it interchangable? But then again, having thoughts and an 'open window' to heterosexuality could imply, or be argued, that the woman in question is not actually a lesbian, but bisexual, or sexually confused. It's all labels these days, and it gets terribly confusing.
ReplyDeleteBut then surely she wouldn't be in love with a man if she was a lesbian?? That would make her bisexual, in allowing herself to feel that way about men, maybe not allowing, but recognising that she feels some sexual attraction towards the opposing gender.
ReplyDeleteIt is all labels it's true, I think to some extent everyone's a bit 'bisexual' really, many straight people I know, more girls than guys, have had sexual encounters with other people of the same sex. For some strange reason it's seen as more acceptable for women to do it than men to, I guess because of the whole 'girl on girl' thing; men find it sexually appealing, whereas women aren't so fussed about guy on guy action.
I think it is interchangeable, I suppose at the end of the day it comes down to who you fall in love with, many people say that they don't see it as two different genders, they fall for who they fall for regardless of it.
So she can't be a lesbian if she falls in love with a guy and gets into a relationship with him? Do you think a 'proper' lesbian would fight those feelings for a man? That's what I refered to in my first post, and I was perhaps too harsh in calling women who do this foolish. But maybe I'm swept up in this ideology (that you just mentioned) that it's the person and not the gender who we fall in love with...
ReplyDeleteI think part of the trouble lies in established Gender Identities. For a good long time society has defined Gender with specific traits and expectations. Previously the Male was the worker and head of a house and provided for his family. This meant expectations were always high upon the Male he could not be seen to deviate from what is defined as the norm. On the other hand Females have generally been regarded as subsidiary to males and it has only been in the past 50 years this has truly changed. This however means that whilst it may be far more socially acceptable for females to experiment with other females there is a far larger stigma attached to males.
ReplyDeleteWhen we break down society we see stereotypes and classifications for everyone. You can be an emo or upper class the simple utterance of these words springs to mind a whole range of images and ideas of what these people will look like. For example you mention lipstick lesbians (which I always thought meant pseudo lesbian) and butch dykes which instantly give mental impressions. I suspect that it will always be the case that we define others by stereotypes but one question that remains is do we restrict or prejudice based on these.
Now lets discuss love. I think this is a very fickle term. tartan person discusses the fact that people may fall in love irrespective of gender. I agree but not in the same way. I don't think people will fall sexually in love with anyone but we all love people in different ways. I love a chunk of my friends but I have no desires for sexual relations with them. That doesn't discredit the love in any way at all. In fact fortunately or unfortunately (however you look at it). A good chunk of my friends have outlasted any relationships I have had and I suspect most of the friends I have met at university a few of them at least I will still be friends with even after their respective relationships break down. This I feel doesn't devalue either of them, relationships are special that trust and bond can be or rather often feels like it is unique. But in retrospective some of the friendships I have had with male friends will never be the same as relationships I have had with Females in the past.
Anyway in conclusion I guess some could say sexuality is a definition of those around us. Ideally there would be no such definitions but we live in a world whereby we constrain ourselves in everything we do with boundaries borders rules and so forth. So perhaps to truly break free of such terms as lesbian, dyke etc etc we need to be free from the constraints we choose to bind ourselves by.
Well going by the definition of 'lesbian', she wouldn't be one because she would have sexual feelings for a man, she would be bisexual??? She could be a lesbian turned bisexual, but couldn't really identify as a lesbian if she is in love with a man, surely. Or at least if she was sexually intimate with a man, then no she wouldn't be a lesbian.
ReplyDeleteBasically stereotypes will always exist, you can't get rid of them. I don't know why people create or follow them, or even how they came about, and I think that instead of these stereotypes and labels we should just be whatever. There shouldn't be a gay or lesbian or bisexual, it should just be whatever you want. I don't know why homophobia, racism, or any type of prejudice exists in the world, but I suppose we can't all be lumped together to live on this earth without conflicts and differences of opinion.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you can't fall in love with anyone you want sexually, I can see how you could find anyone, man or woman, attractive, whether you're gay or straight. But regarding falling in love I think you know which gender you prefer and so it isn't possible to fall for the gender you don't like. Although I don't know how that ties in with bisexuals, personally I'm not sure if it's possible to have completely equal feelings for both genders; every bisexual probably favours either males or females.
Conclusion for me is that people like rules and order to their lives because it gives them a sense of structure and direction. I guess that stereotypes came about in this way because people need answers for everything. They want to know who fits what category, and how you can tell people apart, but this really isn't the case when so many people defy the stereotypes given to them. It's just unfortunate that some people don't realise this and actually thinks it's as simple as that.
I like this article. It is well written, interesting and raises lots of issues that we don't often read about.
ReplyDeleteI have been with my partner (and wife) for over 10 years, we are happy together, we share a business together and more importantly we share two beautiful sons.
Does that make me a lesbian?
Prior to falling in love with my wife I had relationships with both men and women.
Does that make me bisexual?
If I hadn't met my partner, it is possible that I could have met and fallen in love with a man.
Would that have made me straight?
What I am trying to say is....must we all still obsess with pigeon holing everybody?
I am Beck, a woman, a wife, a mother, a business person, a musician.
Call me a Lesbian and I am happy...but does it define me? No it does not.
I don't understand all the bisexual haters....it's the same as any other prejudice...(it's weird as many gay people think it's okay to shit on them...why)?
Anyway....back to the article. I like the honesty and I like the fact it will piss lots of people off.
I'll now try to make a shit analogy.
I get exasperated by football fans who love only their team and cannot see any good in others, let alone their closest competitor.....Better by far to be the football fan who loves his team, but admires his competitors.
Ha ha ha...you know what I mean don't you. Live and let live.
So I stumbled upon this again today and with renewed perspective I thought I'd add an updated comment.
ReplyDeleteWhat you discuss describes not only sexuality but also gender as well simply enough neither can be truly autonomous from each other. However they can be looked at from differing ideological viewpoints.
When you discuss the stereotypes involved with "homosexuality" you discuss the feminine and masculine traits that are prescribed to differing sexualities. Essentially you are describing a socio-psychological view which describes gender and sex as dichotomous relationship whereby being a man means you should display masculine traits and being a female you should display feminine traits. Along with this almost naturalised acceptance of this being the “norm” sexuality has developed similarly with heterosexuality being the “norm” and correct way to be. So when you discuss the stereotypes lesbian and gay individuals are expected to fulfil you describe that they are expected to differ from the norm which almost leads you to question your own sexuality and gender identity (I expect it was mostly for the purpose of the blog rather than a legitimate question but I’ve no doubt that you’ve thought about it before). Essentially what I’m trying to say is that the development of this normality is linked to power structures. That is those with the power have gradually shaped what it meant to be a normal functioning member of society.
But what is important is that this viewpoint is inherently false. A more intuitive perspective to consider is a constructionist/post-modernist perspective. This describes gender as being far more complex than either feminine or masculine. With there being many differing traits and individuals can display without any being false or maladaptive. How this applies to sexuality is simple, there is no right or wrong way to be. Heterosexuality is a fundamentally westernised modern concept, insofar as the importance it plays in society. Many cultures past and present often practise sexual activities that would be described as gay.
So what am I saying? Well essentially constructionist arguments state that gender and sexuality aren’t something you are but rather something you do. You do these roles to fulfil society’s expectations. It’s not as simple as to say homosexuality is a choice but rather that to describe sexual orientation as fundamental life-long inclination would be erroneous, desires and attractions change with age. This is probably easier to find evidence of with female lesbians who have “gone straight” because there is less stigma involved for females within society to be more flexible with sexuality.
Anyway I think I’ve said enough overall but I hope it made for some interesting reading.